A Change of Heart

     " I am never coming here again," I informed my husband.  We were visiting relatives for the holidays.  I overheard some angry, alcohol infused comments about our visit.  In that moment, I was full of anger for myself and hurt for my husband.  Righteous anger becomes almost delicious; you are hurt and you feed your anger to keep it alive.  Unfortunately, I am an expert on delicious anger.  I managed to maintain my no visit policy for 5 years.  Then something changed my heart:  My love for my son.

My son makes me want to be a better person

    My attachment to anger kept my son from his extended family.   Proverbs 10:12 states, "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs."  There are no Biblical pronouncements that encourage nurturing your anger or holding grudges.  On the contrary, Christ himself spoke at length on the topic of loving your enemies.  A recent reading of Luke  6:32 addressed me directly:  "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them."  Ouch!  Following Jesus is much easier to chat about and write about than to carry out.  I agreed to a visit but with some parameters for success.

     First, our visit would be a short 4 days.  When we left,  folks would still be glad we came. Next, we would stay with different family this time.  We would be close enough to visit folks, but we could take a break if needed.  Finally, we drove our own car so we would not impose on anyone and could depart when we liked.  With theses parameters in place, we were set for a successful visit and that is exactly what happened.

     When we arrived, family ran to greet us.   They were so happy to see us.  I felt some ice slip off my heart.  My son had long conversations with his grandfather.  He played games with his favorite cousin.  His grandma cooked for him; he ate like a king.  His uncle told him police stories.  I read my book and  made polite conversation.  I learned that anger, even justified anger, can be selfish.  I want my son to make family connections.  I want him to know that none of us is perfect, but that we can love perfectly. 

     Following God's will is uncomfortable.  It brings me face to face with parts of myself that I would rather hide.  The success of this visit had nothing to do with my strength and everything to do with my weakness.  If His power is made perfect in my weakness, then my weakness is a welcome  gift.  I prayed for grace before and during our trip.  My prayers were answered ten times over.  As I listened to my mother-in-law talk about reconciliation with her long estranged sister, my heart completely softened.  I was truly glad for them. 

     When the New Testament talks of treasure, it specifically addresses money and worldly goods.  Treasure is also the riches of your heart.  I wanted to nourish my hurt, harden my heart and not participate in any type of healing.  God had other plans.   When we were leaving, my mother-in-law said, " Thank you for coming back."  Those words were a balm to my soul.  I am grateful that my love for my son pulled me out of myself and into a new space.  Now,  I could  receive her words and open my heart.