Saving My Place

     The hill is a steep one. I turn the corner and consider my options. Despite my Hashimotos Thyroiditis, I had been vigorously exercising and dieting for four months. I got on the scale; I hadn't lost an ounce. Not one ounce. I could feel myself slipping down the familiar, dark path of self loathing. As I trudged along, a second choice crossed my mind. It was bright, based on God's promises and quite radical. Suddenly, something clicked in my heart: If I claimed my place at the table, if I stopped doubting my worth, I could change my perception of the world around me.  I would become available for God's plan. The dark, familiar path doubts God's plan for my life; I am done doubting.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. (Proverbs 31:25)

     For the last nine years I have dealt with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, an autoimmune condition. My time has been consumed with finding the right medicine and dose, changing my diet and my lifestyle. These changes have allowed my hair to grow back, my skin to calm down and my weight to stabilize. My ego has taken some big hits.  One doctor told me that "if you lost weight, your husband would love it." Other doctors told me that I "would just gain more and more weight "every year.  At times, I have exercised to the point of exhaustion and continued to gain weight. Hashimoto's has been a monkey on my back, a monkey who makes my eyebrows fall out! Since beginning Bible study, I have changed my mind. Instead of resenting my condition, I have re-framed it. Now I think, "What does God want me to learn from this?"
     Empathy and compassion are more accessible to me now. I appreciate the gift of rest and the help of others. Instead of focusing on exteriors, I think more deeply about the people and world around me. Psalm 139:14 says that" I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well." Verse 16 elaborates: "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." My study of scripture convinces me that God, who "sees what is done in secret", knows how to refine me. In this way, I will be the best version of myself and able to serve him as he sees fit.
     The blows to my ego are little dents. Now, I inhabit a different context.  My worth is not determined by my weight on an earthly scale or the opinions of others. My worth is determined by my heavenly Father.  "For charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)  Standing on the Rock (Isiah 44:8), I turn my face to the light and claim the place he has saved for me.

Heart Work

     I have three mansions. You couldn't tell it by looking at me. I am a very average woman of a certain age. I don't have servants and I do all the cooking and cleaning myself. The structure and decor of these mansions varies widely.  John 14:2 (King James version) mentions mansions: "In my father's house there are many mansions; if  not, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you." NIV renders "mansions" as rooms while other versions use abodes or even houses. I prefer the word mansion for the grandeur conveyed by " a large stately house." My earthly mansions are really spirit houses. They are the Catholic Church, The Evangelical Free Church and my own heart.
     The Catholic Church is the Church of my childhood. It is filled with the encouraging lives of the saints who have gone before us. It is brimming with incense, icons and a profound reverence for Christ. Candles remind me of Him who is the way, the truth and the Light. (John 14:6)  The Mass is centered around the Eucharist. I enter the Catholic church to refresh my connection with the sacred.

     The Evangelical Free Church is simple in its decor but rich in its Biblical teaching. The sanctuary chairs face a huge floor to ceiling window that looks out on the snow-capped mountains. The beams come together at the front to create a cross in the center of the window. The preaching focuses on the practical application of Biblical principles; I need this to fashion my heart as a proper dwelling place for the Spirit. In Bible study, I am surrounded by women who want to study the Word and let it thrive in their hearts. This encourages and strengthens me. I treasure the ability to delve into the Word and make it my own. This has encouraged me to see my relationship with God as both communal and deeply personal.
     My heart space is my final mansion. Matthew 6:5 says: "But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." In it's best form, this space is light filled and spacious. Beautiful music and art bring me here immediately. Meditation brings me here on purpose. Sometimes I show up with a shopping bag full of things I want to return: resentment, anger, jealousy and even fear. When I meet my Father in this place,  I take my items out of my bag. I place them on the table and turn them over. Assured in the knowledge that I am a loved daughter, I can admit my flaws and gain the courage to work from the highest version of myself.
     Some commentators maintain that ornate houses await believers. Others believe that Jesus speaks of mansions and dwellings to stress the inclusiveness of heaven. If heaven is inclusive and welcoming, the divided worship of earth may be outmoded. Could the heart space be the common abode of heaven and earth? The heart is not bound by geography or time.
     Matthew 6:20-21 reads: "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  In John 15 Jesus says"This is my command: Love each other as I have loved you." The command is simple, radical and demanding. The Lord did not say hoard as many earthly possessions as possible and think of yourself first. No, he commanded that we begin with our own heart and work outward.