Homemaker: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

     For the last thirteen years I have been a stay at home mom.  It's nothing I set out to do. It even surprises me.  When my husband was in the military he deployed constantly.  It seemed sensible that one of us should stay home and give our son consistency and security,  and so I did.  I was able to help him a great deal.  When he had trouble learning to spell, I took cookie sheets and had him make the words out of goldfish crackers.  I made up spelling word games. I taught him anatomy from my nursing books.  I took him to visit farms and we took long nature walks.  Most importantly, whenever Dad was deployed, I was able to offer a tangible anchor, a steady presence.
     My time at home allowed me to delve  into self actualization.  I became a decent painter and gifted photographer.  I had the time to take care of  recuperating friends and family.  I was able to volunteer in myriad capacities.  I grew accustomed to scheduling my own time.
      Now, here's the bad.  My husband lost his job.  So after 13 years of staying home, I am looking for a job.  My resume looks like Swiss cheese. I  know that my years as a military spouse have made me resourceful, determined and a dedicated multi tasker.  I have raised a compassionate, intelligent and empathetic young man who is an independent thinker.  I am sure the Almighty will say "well done, good and faithful servant,"  but no one else cares. They don't.  I have contributed to society.  I have made an indelible contribution that will out last my paltry life, but in the short term, it doesn't matter.
       This brings me to the ugly.  I am left feeling like I totally misjudged my situation.  I thought I was doing a good thing and it has slapped me right in the face.  I should never have stopped working totally.  I could have at least worked part time.  However, it's too late for any of  that.  It is, what it is.  I have a smattering of experience in two very divergent areas, medicine and editing. In this economy no one wants to see that kind of resume.  I feel like going outside to the field behind my house and screaming loud, satisfying expletives.  ( I am thinking them as I write this).      To add insult to injury, I can't sleep. I fall asleep for a few hours and then I am wide awake.  You would think that all this awake time would allow me to come up with solutions; it has not.
     I am normally a positive person, but I have nothing left.  It reminds me of the X-files episode where Sculley says the following about God, " What if we're talking, but there's nobody listening?" 

In Search of Hallelujah

   Things in my neck of the woods are asunder.  My husband has been out of work for five months.  He's an educated and talented person; Honestly I thought he would have been hired already.  However, that is not the case, and today he got two rejections in a row.  It makes want to scream, " Really?  Can I get a break here?" 
     What can you do when your loved one is disappointed and hurting?  If you are me, you leave him the hell alone.    I haven't been married to him for 21 years for nothing.  After a couple of hours, we chatted.  I filled out a job application and found a temp job for next week. I keep thinking what else can I do?  Surely there's something?  Guess what?  There's one more thing!  I can wait. I can be patient.  Not my strong suits for sure. Psalm 40: 1 states, "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;  He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.   He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."  This resonates with me; I feel the truth of it in my heart.  However my mind screams, "Have you forgotten me?"  I am sure this is a time of learning for us.  I am currently missing the message.  Like Samuel I cry out, "Speak , for your servant is listening."
      But God's time is unlike our time and his greater purpose often eludes are earthly craniums.  In Ecclesiastes we hear, "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven."  Maybe this is our time " to tear down and then  to build? " 

      It is easy to be a believer when all is well.  So in the interim, I will take comfort in Romans 8:28 " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  I am grateful for all I have been given.  I am richly blessed.  In the midst of chaos the believer can still say "Hallelujah."  I want to say Hallelujah.  My heart's in the right place.  My rebellious mind and my desire for control make it difficult.  Today, I'll whisper it.  Maybe, just maybe, my robust "Hallelujah" is just around the corner?

Equal Threads

     A few months ago I took up a childhood hobby again: needlepoint.   The last time I had taken up a needle was in 7th grade art.  I made a a picture of a dark pink strawberry on an ivory background.  I remember enjoying the meditative quality of the stitches and the colors of the yarn.  Of course being me, this time I did not start with a nice little fruit picture.  I chose a tapestry, a full fledged tapestry.  It is one of seven designs depicting the Genesis story of creation.  I am crafting the first one based on "And God said, "Let there be light."  The pattern , resplendent with color and bursting stars,  is by textile artist, Alex Beattie.

     Tonight I was working on some yellow detail and I turned the canvas over to secure the loose thread.  God in Heaven!  Good job I don't plan on framing the piece with the back showing.  It's a right mess. Yet, I'm OK with it.  When you look at the back you can actually see how I've warmed up to the project.  I've gotten neater.  I've figured some things out and I've actually gotten better. I've even changed some colors to make the work more uniquely mine. In the midst of these improvements, the poorly tied off bits and tight stitches seem to fade a bit.
     I think if we consider our lives we can draw some of the same types of conclusions.  When I reflect on some of the things I've done and said, I wish I had done some things differently.  There were times I should have spoken up that I did not. There were times I should have shut up, when I did not.  There have been times I could have given more but didn't want to, and times I wanted to give more, but I could not.  Finally, there are the obvious mistakes that brought about incredible, and painful, growth.  I believe that a considered life is a well lived one.  The whole picture is composed of  many stitches; it would not be the same work without the mistakes and  the spontaneous ideas. When asked about his early research on electricity, Thomas Edison said " We now know 1000 ways how not to build a light bulb."  Notice he DID NOT say, "I failed 1000 times."  He knew that to get to the HOW he he had to go through the HOW NOT TO.  Painful but true.
      The poet Maya Angelou said, "We should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must understand that all the threads of the tapestry are equal in value no matter what their color." I am going to try and re- frame the way I look at my life.  It could very well be that I am not a failure, but a very purposeful work in progress.  That's a project I can stick with.

If The Shoe Fits, Wear It

    Every so often I have the immeasurable pleasure of discovering an author who is new to me.  Swedish writer, Henning Mankell is my recent find.  His comments were on the back of a Swedish detective series I'd started.  He loved the Martin Beck series, as do I, and I thought,  "Hmm, who is this Henning Mankell?"  He's written detective/suspense novels as well, but I chose to start with a straightforward novel,  The Italian Shoes.

     This work looks at the life of a surgeon who made a tragic mistake.  The novel recounts his reaction and his unpredictable, and stunning, redemption.  The characters are artfully drawn without being overly descriptive.  Mankell's use of metaphor is apt and sparing;  this makes their use powerful. When his pet dies he carries it and remarks on the weight,  he says, "  The dead are always heavy."  This line made me stop short and stop  reading.  The dead are heavy physically but they are heavy in so many ways. The storytelling has symmetry. The careful reader will appreciate the author's use of color and detail.   Mr. Mankell  is a craftsman.
     Who among us isn't in need of redemption, or at least clarity?  The main character's life takes unexpected, healing twists of growth.  His path is not an easy one, but it is there.  For me this story is one of hope.  There is always the opportunity for change, but the first steps are internal and unseen.  Change begins with your intention and your willingness to see things differently.  I realized this today when I was visiting  the naturopath.  Healing is not simply about balancing the physical body.  I've realized that healing is not just fixing my thyroid and losing weight.  In my case, healing means bringing the physical and spiritual into alignment.  It means accepting, as noted in Buddhism, things are always changing.  Peace is not being without conflict or affliction.   An unknown author phrased this so elegantly:  " Peace.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."  Here lies the challenge:  No matter what your belief system or religion, do you believe that good is stronger?  Do you believe that despite our frailty and imperfection,  we are worthy of redemption?  Henning Mankell believes so, and I agree.  I say that it's time to try our highest selves on for size.  We have nothing to lose and a world of connection and peace to gain.

Make Your Dusting Count

    I just finished reading the memoir "The Hare With Amber Eyes"  by Edmund De Waal.  De Waal comes from a Jewish family who originally came from Russia.  They went on to become financial powerhouses in Paris and Vienna.  During WW II, they lost their homes, their possessions and their financial standing because they were Jews.  A few papers, books and a very special collection of Japanese netsuke, intricate toggles once used to close pouches or belts, were all that survived.  The book takes its title from an especially beautiful netsuke, the hare with the amber eyes.
     The Gestapo emptied the family home of its possessions and people and set up shop in the Ephrussi family home.  Anna, the Gentile maid, stayed with the house and continued cleaning and doing chores.  The netsuke sat observing, ignored and silent in a corner glass cabinet.  The cabinet was in a tiny room that used to be Madam Ephrussi's dressing room.  The children of the house would sit on the rug and play with the carvings while Anna helped the lady of the house get ready for the day.  Years later, during the German residence, Anna would put one netsuke in her pocket every day while dusting.  At the end of  each day, she hid the figurines in her mattress.  She did this until she had hidden away all 264 pieces. When Anna dusted and secreted away the tiny figures, she prayed a tangible prayer:  She would see the Ephrussi family again and she would give them these treasures back.
      Eight years after leaving Austria, Elisabeth, a Ephrussi daughter returned and Anna gave her the netsuke.  The intricate, tiny carvings that had once filled an elegant, velvet- lined cabinet were lovingly placed in a brief case and carried back to England, the new Ephrussi home.
    When the author found out about Anna's kindness and bravery, all the people who had known her had passed away.  The questions he wanted to know would remain unanswered; he couldn't even find out Anna's last name.
      Anna's compassion illustrates the nature of kindness.  Kindness is not measured by monetary standards or grandeur.  In Anna's case, a daily act of bravery added up to a kindness that transcends generations.  His Holiness the Dahli Lama, Mother Teresa and Jesus have all stressed the importance, and the power,  of compassion and love.  Each of us, no matter our circumstances, has the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others.  The form of this help may be very subtle.  You may simply sit and listen to someone without comment or judgement, providing them a haven.  You may let someone with less items go ahead of you at the grocery store.  You may hold a baby for a weary mother so she can answer nature's call.  The possibilities are infinite.  You may not be privy to the consequences of your acts of kindness, yet you are called to do them.  Kindness, unlike many other things, does not have a scale. Kindness is pure and it IS powerful.

Patient Flowers

      This is the first year I have planted flowers in a mountain climate.  Boy did I start too early!  I planted about the third week in May.  We got snow and wind around Memorial Day.  Needless to say, the flowers did not enjoy the snow treatment.  The were shriveled and sad.  I even covered them to get them through the unpredictable weather.  Once the surprise winter was over, I cut them way back.  I turned them daily. I  gave them fertilizer and lots of water. Truth be told, I also spoke words of encouragement to them. Why not? It can't hurt.   For a long time nothing happened, then two weeks ago,  I looked outside and a remarkable thing had occurred:  They bloomed and they bloomed bigger then the first time. 
     Pastor Scott Fine at Mountain Life Church spoke on Psalm forty this week.   In this psalm David cries out to the Lord saying, " I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry; He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."  Pastor Fine took the entire psalm and showed how it illustrates God's response to our call.  He does not ignore us, he turns toward us, he lifts us up, he gives us a firm footing, he puts a new song in our hearts AND "Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."  When things seem stationary and dead in our lives there is actually a lot going on. The pastor noted that God uses trying circumstances to teach us AND those around us lessons that we would not otherwise be open to learn.  The part of this that tests our faith is timing. God's timing is not our timing.
     I see a metaphor here with my plants.  They were not dead, but regrouping, regenerating.  Was it a pretty process? No. However, there was growth going on beneath the surface that the eye could not see.  So it is with us.  If we wait upon the Lord, if we accept the lessons along our journey, our blooms will be more vibrant and fuller than we ever imagined.  This is not easy to accept, but it is true. Wait, then, bloom.

In Praise of Kind Words

     Here's a nifty idea that can help you connect with members of your family. I originally saw this on Pinterest, but there are many examples on crafty websites.  I got a blank picture frame and used leftover scrap booking letters to spell "I love you because" on a blank piece of paper. When you want to write a note, you simply use a dry erase marker and write on the glass.   I hung this little masterpiece on the wall by my husband's side of the sink.  We leave each messages of encouragement whenever we feel like it or when the other person needs a boost.  Frankly, I didn't think my husband would like it. ( He is a loving and honest person but definitely not sappy).  However, as has happened before on occasion, I was wrong.  Indeed, he liked it very much!
    We currently have our nephews visiting us.  He knows I value being a loving aunt and he knows how much I love these kids.  I was very affirmed because his simple comment illustrates our common values.  He has always been someone to put children, the elderly and those who work for him,  first.  For him,  this is one of the keys to being a leader and being a man.
     I think this would be a fun activity for families with school age children too. My teenager wants no part of this " touchy-feely"  nonsense.  That' fine.  It's been a blessing for us "old fogies."

"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." Proverbs 12:25